do you ever feel physically sick because you know you’re not good enough for anybody and you can’t do anything right and you’re too tired
I agree with you there, and I’m going to steal my friend Morgan's words from a skype conversation about this we had earlier:
"The cigarette thing is a compulsion that he tries to pass off as suave; if you read the book at all you would know that. Like for Christ’s sake he does it every time he panics and his personal post-climax downward spiral moment is when he has literally no control over his own body but attempts to gain control /by purchasing cigarettes/ and almost dies right there… That is literally the moment where he //gives into death// and he does it after not being able to continue his supersticious self-protective habit. He is a scared child trying to save himself with such a painfully useless act, THAT IS THE POINT. He is trying to be an adult by saying things he thinks are smart. He is trying to be a hero by doing things that he thinks matter. But he is a child and coming to terms that he isn’t as smart as everyone else and he doesn’t matter as much either and he won’t get the chance to. How does that not break your heart?"
Augustus’s grand gestures and metaphors should not be romanticized, they should be pitied, and that just comes with an understanding of the book that some people have and some people don’t.